![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
The Question --
I feel a great deal of gratitude to Char, who put this excerpt up on her Tumblr, because I was going to put this up. I read the essay over on CaptainAwkward.com. It's in question and answer format, sorta, and talks about recognizing Rape Culture, as we're now calling something that every woman alive knows, whether she consciously thinks about it or not. About several young women who are at risk of rape, are getting no support from people they mistakenly thought were friends, and what they should do next -- and how they should do it.
The essay is worth reading, and I recommend it. I also recommend reading the comments. I read every one that was posted up to the point I first read this essay. I sectioned out several astute comments to highlight, and I also sectioned out the story Char has put on her Tumblr.
Then the computer reset or crashed, as it does every couple of days, and I was having a bad week, and I took it as a sign that I was not the one destined to pull this story out of comments and broadcast it. So -- Thank you, Char. This is important, and you took the most important part and shouted. Thank you.
Some of you have probably heard about The Spoon Theory. Christine Miserandino pulled the metaphor of a lifetime out of her hat the day her best friend asked her was it was really like to be chronically sick.
This story has the power to become The metaphor for the Rape Culture.
Women, read this, because now you have a simple story to use to explain So Many Things. Men, read this, because in one simple story, you have a chance to have a momentary window into real terror, the terror every woman lives with for every moment of her life. You like horror? How about real horror, the delicate, slowly growing kind that you fear may be inescapable?
Women need to know that they do not imagine their danger. Their Matrix goggles have been acquired through everything they have ever seen, heard or felt. Remember my mantra -- you are a huge, mysterious pyramid, an iceberg where 90% of what you are is hidden from others, but not necessarily from yourself. That 90% is talking to you. It is warning you. There is a measurable element of danger here. Do you wish to be hyper-vigilant, and remain in this situation? Or will you leave while you can?
Men -- I'm talking to the good guys, the ones who are willing to think, the ones trying to pay attention. Acquire The Matrix Goggles. There is a time to cut a bro slack, and there is a time to recognize that there is never, ever a reason to make a woman feel afraid. She may look merely uncomfortable -- but she's afraid. The guy is not getting practice to interact with women. He is invading the space of a woman. He may be dangerous.
Do you know him well enough to know whether he's a proto-rapist?
No?
Then help the woman get away from him.
If you think you may be overstepping a boundary, ask her if she'd like an escort away from the situation -- to the hotel management, the convention security people, or the police station down the street. Keep your gracious distance, so she knows you are not a proto-rapist, and offer to have her back. Take allies if you need to, and include women in your pack.
Raise your sons and daughters to have Matrix goggles for dangerous sexual situations. This is a concept that deserves to be viral. We would be a better, happier world if everyone could automatically drop into Matrix-goggles at will.
Thank you, to "the Glasses" and to Luminous, who got away this time, and whose story may teach millions.
And, everyone? When you get a motel/hotel room, and the light over your door is burned out, go back to the front and ask for it to be fixed immediately. If they can't fix it, ask for a new room.
If they can't do that, either -- women? Ask for a staff person to be assigned to you, with a cell phone number. So you can call them at any point and get an escort back to your room. Men and women? Let them know that you won't be recommending their facility to anyone because of their lax attitude to safety.
Safety first.
No. It's not stupid, it's not inconvenient -- it's your life and safety, or the life and safety of someone else.
It's a pact, our pact -- a pact of safety for everyone.
POSTSCRIPT: This, from "summer_snow," who posted over at Captain Awkward's essay. For the first time, I begin to understand the sub-horror of zombie culture:
"My social group has a case of the Creepy Dude too. I’ve been trying to tell people, but I’m not getting support and it’s very frustrating and I’m basically just avoiding Creeper now.
I wish getting rid of creeps worked like getting rid of possibly-infected teammates in zombie movies: sure, he’s a fun guy and part of the gang. But at the first sign of a suspicious wound, you need to have a look at it, and if it looks dangerous, stop hanging out with that guy. Zombie movies are refreshingly clear on the consequences of ignoring suspicious behavior from your friends. The only people who don’t get bitten by by their zombie buddies are the ones who didn’t keep infected-looking people around because they’re fun to hang out with.
Creepy Dude is basically trying to hide a bleeding wound from the rest of the post-apocalyptic band of survivors, and when one person points out the blood, everyone else jumps on her, saying 'He’s a nice guy, and you don’t accuse friends of being zombies! Give him the benefit of the doubt, there’s lots of places he could have picked up an injury! You have no proof that that’s a zombie bite! It’s really really obvious when people are turning into zombies and you are wrong about these subtle signs! But you’re also to blame if you’re within zombie-lunge range at any time and he bites you, because you knew he was bitten in the first place!'"
The essay is worth reading, and I recommend it. I also recommend reading the comments. I read every one that was posted up to the point I first read this essay. I sectioned out several astute comments to highlight, and I also sectioned out the story Char has put on her Tumblr.
Then the computer reset or crashed, as it does every couple of days, and I was having a bad week, and I took it as a sign that I was not the one destined to pull this story out of comments and broadcast it. So -- Thank you, Char. This is important, and you took the most important part and shouted. Thank you.
Some of you have probably heard about The Spoon Theory. Christine Miserandino pulled the metaphor of a lifetime out of her hat the day her best friend asked her was it was really like to be chronically sick.
This story has the power to become The metaphor for the Rape Culture.
Women, read this, because now you have a simple story to use to explain So Many Things. Men, read this, because in one simple story, you have a chance to have a momentary window into real terror, the terror every woman lives with for every moment of her life. You like horror? How about real horror, the delicate, slowly growing kind that you fear may be inescapable?
Women need to know that they do not imagine their danger. Their Matrix goggles have been acquired through everything they have ever seen, heard or felt. Remember my mantra -- you are a huge, mysterious pyramid, an iceberg where 90% of what you are is hidden from others, but not necessarily from yourself. That 90% is talking to you. It is warning you. There is a measurable element of danger here. Do you wish to be hyper-vigilant, and remain in this situation? Or will you leave while you can?
Men -- I'm talking to the good guys, the ones who are willing to think, the ones trying to pay attention. Acquire The Matrix Goggles. There is a time to cut a bro slack, and there is a time to recognize that there is never, ever a reason to make a woman feel afraid. She may look merely uncomfortable -- but she's afraid. The guy is not getting practice to interact with women. He is invading the space of a woman. He may be dangerous.
Do you know him well enough to know whether he's a proto-rapist?
No?
Then help the woman get away from him.
If you think you may be overstepping a boundary, ask her if she'd like an escort away from the situation -- to the hotel management, the convention security people, or the police station down the street. Keep your gracious distance, so she knows you are not a proto-rapist, and offer to have her back. Take allies if you need to, and include women in your pack.
Raise your sons and daughters to have Matrix goggles for dangerous sexual situations. This is a concept that deserves to be viral. We would be a better, happier world if everyone could automatically drop into Matrix-goggles at will.
Thank you, to "the Glasses" and to Luminous, who got away this time, and whose story may teach millions.
And, everyone? When you get a motel/hotel room, and the light over your door is burned out, go back to the front and ask for it to be fixed immediately. If they can't fix it, ask for a new room.
If they can't do that, either -- women? Ask for a staff person to be assigned to you, with a cell phone number. So you can call them at any point and get an escort back to your room. Men and women? Let them know that you won't be recommending their facility to anyone because of their lax attitude to safety.
Safety first.
No. It's not stupid, it's not inconvenient -- it's your life and safety, or the life and safety of someone else.
It's a pact, our pact -- a pact of safety for everyone.
POSTSCRIPT: This, from "summer_snow," who posted over at Captain Awkward's essay. For the first time, I begin to understand the sub-horror of zombie culture:
"My social group has a case of the Creepy Dude too. I’ve been trying to tell people, but I’m not getting support and it’s very frustrating and I’m basically just avoiding Creeper now.
I wish getting rid of creeps worked like getting rid of possibly-infected teammates in zombie movies: sure, he’s a fun guy and part of the gang. But at the first sign of a suspicious wound, you need to have a look at it, and if it looks dangerous, stop hanging out with that guy. Zombie movies are refreshingly clear on the consequences of ignoring suspicious behavior from your friends. The only people who don’t get bitten by by their zombie buddies are the ones who didn’t keep infected-looking people around because they’re fun to hang out with.
Creepy Dude is basically trying to hide a bleeding wound from the rest of the post-apocalyptic band of survivors, and when one person points out the blood, everyone else jumps on her, saying 'He’s a nice guy, and you don’t accuse friends of being zombies! Give him the benefit of the doubt, there’s lots of places he could have picked up an injury! You have no proof that that’s a zombie bite! It’s really really obvious when people are turning into zombies and you are wrong about these subtle signs! But you’re also to blame if you’re within zombie-lunge range at any time and he bites you, because you knew he was bitten in the first place!'"