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To Everything There is a Season
It's time.
Merlyn doesn't sleep through the night. He has finally bonded with Sauron the vaporizer--he alternates laying down by Sauron and then moving away and laying on his side in the entryway. He hasn't even noticed that I brought his bed down from the bedside--I haven't set him in it because he may be too warm from steaming (either Sauron or the tent) and then just demands more steaming. It seems to help, but it hasn't loosened up his sinuses. I'm afraid he's in pain--and if I don't take him to my Vet now, then we either have to wait until Monday or deal with the emergency vets. The Emergency centers are good, and kind people, but of course they will want to run tests. I promised my cats I would never do to them what they did trying to help Brae. She looked like Frankenstein hooked to the table when she died. We're not going there.
I always hoped he would slip away in his sleep. But I think he doesn't want to leave. I just don't think he can stay any longer. He said he would stay until the wind changed. Either it changed when we weren't looking, or he was wrong about that.
I don't know how I will go on without him. During the worst of my illness, he kept me alive. He was the nanny cat, nagging me to eat, feed him, take meds, go to bed....he's been office manager, muse, and nanny. I always dreamed of having a place with more space for him to run and sit in the sun. But now I realize I saw him as stronger, healthier than his skinny, tough little senior body. So it will be a ghost Merlyn who gets to enjoy that place, when I finally reach it.
Without Merlyn and Max, I would not have made it back.
*********
Merlyn (M): I was wrong about Sauron.
Personal Monkey (PM): Oh?
(M): He has been very nice to me. He stayed up all night with me.
(PM): You didn't seem to want me to stay up with you.
(M): It makes you very sad.
(PM): You don't even want to be petted very much now.
(M): It's too much energy. The cosmos flows through you. It's better when you do Tai Chi stuff near me.
(PM): I don't know how to help, Merlyn. You hate the new compound with a passion, and the drug dulls your appetite. You have to eat.
(M): No one would eat after tasting that stuff. It never goes away, not forever and a day.
(PM): You won't drink, you won't eat....
(M): It's not food. Food smells. It doesn't smell.
(PM): Your sinuses stay clogged, so you can't smell it. But it's the food that keeps you strong.
(M): I'll eat when I can smell it again.
(PM): Merlyn...it's been five days. You haven't eaten or drunk anything I know of for five days. You only weigh 7.5 pounds. That doesn't work.
(M): Has it been that long? That is a long time.
(PM): I think the Sub-Q we did the last two nights is keeping you alive. But...that's not life.
(M): It has been less interesting than usual.
(PM): I was going to wait until Monday, see if I could bring you around one more time. But...you are making these really sad sounds. I'm afraid you are in pain.
(M): ...I've felt better. I'll admit that.
(PM): I am making money now, eventually. So we don't have to go through pain to go ahead.
(M): Can I have more steam?
(PM): You're in the steamer.
(M): But I heard the kettle turn off. Hot water!
(PM): Did you get that hot water thing from me through some strange link, or are we simply two peas in a pod?
(M): Our garage band is Edamame Cats!
(PM): Let's just sit a while, all right? And let the carrier dry out.
(M): Okay. I'll try not to whimper. It just comes out. We're tough.
(PM): We are.
(M): I told you I would stay until the wind changes.
(PM): It changed while we were busy living.
(M): Did it? That explains why Max and Meg are visiting so much. They told me we get to pick out the next camp!
(PM): Yes. You helped write the Allie books--you know what to look for.
(M): No ant nests, morning sun.
(PM): The ants can go elsewhere.
(M): Are you good with this?
(PM): No. But it's part of the circle. I am not sure we should change it even if we could. Because some things we only learn by walking the entire labyrinth.
(M): I won't be that far away.
(PM): We'll still talk, because I am a crazy cat woman.
(M): I always listen. And I am more faithful than any man yet seen.
(PM): Ah, yeah, you are!
(M): I don't want to go. You still need me.
(PM): We don't always get what we want.
(M): You'll take us all up to the magic lake we didn't see?
(PM): Yes, eventually. Maybe with me, maybe at the cottage.
(M): Good. It will be a good place to give back to the land. But I'll stay with you until someone else comes.
(PM): I'd appreciate that. I can't get a cat again for a while. It's just become too expensive for apartment dwellers.
(M): They don't have to know.
(PM): They always know with me--cop in the trunk, remember? Justice girl.
(M): Then may the wind change soon for you.
(PM): I love you more than my life, and you should never put your heart in another living creature. Not smart.
(M): We get to keep the love.
Coda: Nineteen years, six months, twelve days. Another cat lost on a holiday. Merlyn, PMP--best project manager cat ever. The deadlines moved, but he never gave up on the project--me. I did not remember the procedure the kind young vet was going to do, a muscle relaxant and then threading a vein for the pheno. I didn't remember because Merlyn did the same thing as Max did. Once he was relaxed enough, he just stepped over--didn't need that last drug.
They are given to us to learn how to love and to lose. But I am not reconciled. Not until we are together again.
Merlyn doesn't sleep through the night. He has finally bonded with Sauron the vaporizer--he alternates laying down by Sauron and then moving away and laying on his side in the entryway. He hasn't even noticed that I brought his bed down from the bedside--I haven't set him in it because he may be too warm from steaming (either Sauron or the tent) and then just demands more steaming. It seems to help, but it hasn't loosened up his sinuses. I'm afraid he's in pain--and if I don't take him to my Vet now, then we either have to wait until Monday or deal with the emergency vets. The Emergency centers are good, and kind people, but of course they will want to run tests. I promised my cats I would never do to them what they did trying to help Brae. She looked like Frankenstein hooked to the table when she died. We're not going there.
I always hoped he would slip away in his sleep. But I think he doesn't want to leave. I just don't think he can stay any longer. He said he would stay until the wind changed. Either it changed when we weren't looking, or he was wrong about that.
I don't know how I will go on without him. During the worst of my illness, he kept me alive. He was the nanny cat, nagging me to eat, feed him, take meds, go to bed....he's been office manager, muse, and nanny. I always dreamed of having a place with more space for him to run and sit in the sun. But now I realize I saw him as stronger, healthier than his skinny, tough little senior body. So it will be a ghost Merlyn who gets to enjoy that place, when I finally reach it.
Without Merlyn and Max, I would not have made it back.
*********
Merlyn (M): I was wrong about Sauron.
Personal Monkey (PM): Oh?
(M): He has been very nice to me. He stayed up all night with me.
(PM): You didn't seem to want me to stay up with you.
(M): It makes you very sad.
(PM): You don't even want to be petted very much now.
(M): It's too much energy. The cosmos flows through you. It's better when you do Tai Chi stuff near me.
(PM): I don't know how to help, Merlyn. You hate the new compound with a passion, and the drug dulls your appetite. You have to eat.
(M): No one would eat after tasting that stuff. It never goes away, not forever and a day.
(PM): You won't drink, you won't eat....
(M): It's not food. Food smells. It doesn't smell.
(PM): Your sinuses stay clogged, so you can't smell it. But it's the food that keeps you strong.
(M): I'll eat when I can smell it again.
(PM): Merlyn...it's been five days. You haven't eaten or drunk anything I know of for five days. You only weigh 7.5 pounds. That doesn't work.
(M): Has it been that long? That is a long time.
(PM): I think the Sub-Q we did the last two nights is keeping you alive. But...that's not life.
(M): It has been less interesting than usual.
(PM): I was going to wait until Monday, see if I could bring you around one more time. But...you are making these really sad sounds. I'm afraid you are in pain.
(M): ...I've felt better. I'll admit that.
(PM): I am making money now, eventually. So we don't have to go through pain to go ahead.
(M): Can I have more steam?
(PM): You're in the steamer.
(M): But I heard the kettle turn off. Hot water!
(PM): Did you get that hot water thing from me through some strange link, or are we simply two peas in a pod?
(M): Our garage band is Edamame Cats!
(PM): Let's just sit a while, all right? And let the carrier dry out.
(M): Okay. I'll try not to whimper. It just comes out. We're tough.
(PM): We are.
(M): I told you I would stay until the wind changes.
(PM): It changed while we were busy living.
(M): Did it? That explains why Max and Meg are visiting so much. They told me we get to pick out the next camp!
(PM): Yes. You helped write the Allie books--you know what to look for.
(M): No ant nests, morning sun.
(PM): The ants can go elsewhere.
(M): Are you good with this?
(PM): No. But it's part of the circle. I am not sure we should change it even if we could. Because some things we only learn by walking the entire labyrinth.
(M): I won't be that far away.
(PM): We'll still talk, because I am a crazy cat woman.
(M): I always listen. And I am more faithful than any man yet seen.
(PM): Ah, yeah, you are!
(M): I don't want to go. You still need me.
(PM): We don't always get what we want.
(M): You'll take us all up to the magic lake we didn't see?
(PM): Yes, eventually. Maybe with me, maybe at the cottage.
(M): Good. It will be a good place to give back to the land. But I'll stay with you until someone else comes.
(PM): I'd appreciate that. I can't get a cat again for a while. It's just become too expensive for apartment dwellers.
(M): They don't have to know.
(PM): They always know with me--cop in the trunk, remember? Justice girl.
(M): Then may the wind change soon for you.
(PM): I love you more than my life, and you should never put your heart in another living creature. Not smart.
(M): We get to keep the love.
Coda: Nineteen years, six months, twelve days. Another cat lost on a holiday. Merlyn, PMP--best project manager cat ever. The deadlines moved, but he never gave up on the project--me. I did not remember the procedure the kind young vet was going to do, a muscle relaxant and then threading a vein for the pheno. I didn't remember because Merlyn did the same thing as Max did. Once he was relaxed enough, he just stepped over--didn't need that last drug.
They are given to us to learn how to love and to lose. But I am not reconciled. Not until we are together again.
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This is... it's an impossible decision and yet, it's demanded of us.
When I faced this with Pandora, my vet told me that he'd never met anyone who said "I let them go too soon." If we're listening, we know. And you've always listened to Merlyn.
And of course ghost-Merlyn will be in the new place. And he will purr in the sunlight, there.
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We just did this, for Mozart. He made it clear, as Merlyn's making it clear, that it was time.
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We are blessed to live with aliens for a little while, and as Judy reminds us--once we toss off the skin, it's incredible.
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I am numb.
Hope the car is working again; the drain on a battery in that cold is fierce.
Re: I am numb.
We still mourn with you.
Very sad here as well
The problem is, it hurts terribly to have to say goodbye to our animal companions. I've done it several times with dogs and cats, and it is never easy. (Blackie the Cocker spaniel was the last one a couple of years ago, and I still miss him.)
My Mom's dog Floyd was a little like Merlyn -- loyal, tough-minded, smart, kind. He didn't want to leave my Mom, he was trying so hard to stay for her, but clearly it was time for him to go. It nearly devastated my Mom to have to bring him to the vet for that final visit, even though she knew it was the only right decision.
To this day, my Mom thinks about Floyd often, then Clyde the Yorkie (the smartest dog I've ever been around; he was more like a four-year-old human than a dog in some ways and recognized at least 600 words -- a dog genius, I think), and Blackie, and Cuddles, and...
The special ones don't leave you, don't leave your memory. Their bodies may have had it, but the experiences you had with Merlyn (who was an extra-special cat if there ever was one) will never leave you.
I wish this was enough, though I know it's not. You have my sympathy, my prayers, and my hopes that Merlyn will always be with you.
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So sad, yet blessed.
Oh dear universe, why must it hurt so much?
My dearest Kathi, I grieve with you.
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You will go on without him because he hasn't really left you. He never will.
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P.
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Please accept my sympathy.
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We have to trust that we will know the right time.
I figure I am good for at least one more Burmese cat. Just have to get my house in order for him. But not for a while.